Dismantling Binaries

New Ways for a New World #3

It’s been 5+ years since I originally wrote a post called I’m Dreaming of a Non-Binary World around Christmas 2020 that I really loved. However, a lot has happened in 5 years, and our dreams need to be moved into reality because the binary culture people are fighting to keep is definitely not working! As we process through this series of posts together centered on new ways for a new world and life and faith beyond binaries, boxes, and borders, I knew that dismantling binaries needed to be up top because it is central to our future (and very hard to shift in systems that are dedicated to either/or!)

Either/or just doesn’t work in life’s both/and complexities, yet it’s most always our default. I’ve always loved Richard Rohr’s work on challenging our dualistic minds, which lead to dualistic practices. He writes, “The dualistic mind is essentially binary, either/or thinking. It knows by comparison, opposition, and differentiation. It uses descriptive words like good/evil, pretty/ugly, smart/stupid, not realizing there may be a hundred degrees between the two ends of each spectrum. Dualistic thinking works well for the sake of simplification and conversation, but not for the sake of truth or the immense subtlety of actual personal experience.”

We also know that from a structural and systemic perspective, the in-out, either-or, us-them, godly-ungodly, better-worse, right-left binary ways of thinking and moving in the world is still trying to prevail even though it’s past its time (which is being painfully revealed in this season of our story).

To dismantle these deeply embedded binaries, it’s going to take a helluva lot of practice, intention, leadership, and courage. But I’m convinced that despite the resistance, this is the direction that leads us to far better places collectively.

In any conversation about non-binary living I always think of our son, Jared, and how he was the future. He was non-binary in almost every part of his life—always paradoxical, refusing to label or be labeled, despising being put in a box or putting others in one, passionately dedicated to the both/and. Sometimes it was rattling because he was tuned into a deeper truth that we knew had a cost. He saw what could be and was often so discouraged by the way our current systems worked. We always knew Jared was a sign of what the world needed more of—norm-shattering, both/and kinds of leaders who were able to embrace a far wider view of humanity than what our past keeps trying to keep alive.

Binary, hierarchical, linear has had its place in our history. It did its thing and it also got us the lie of white supremacy, male supremacy, Christian supremacy, straight supremacy, and a whole host of other supremacies.

Now, it’s time is up.

But goodness gracious, it’s clearly not going to go down easy!

What we are experiencing now in the US (and also in the wider world) is illuminating how painful progress can be and how a binary culture is far more controllable–in or out, us or them, up or down, top or bottom.

Hierarchy and hoarded power love all-things-binary (and wow, it’s pretty ugly, isn’t it?)

We are so ready for something better, even when they are trying to pull us back, and that’s why dismantling binaries is a crucial part of living, moving, and leading in this new world.

When I was pushing the boundaries of binary faith two decades ago, the pushback I always got was always going round and round on what I believed—”Kathy, if you don’t pick this one, then it’ll all just be a big mush of anything goes. You can’t have a cafeteria faith.” It’s so limiting and it’s also insulting to the mystery of faith. Come on, people, we have incredible capacity to hold more than black or white or only one kind of spiritual meal. Dismantling binaries doesn’t mean that everything becomes gray and indistinct. It’s just the opposite.

Dismantling binaries means that there’s a much wider expanse of possibility in all areas of our lives.

Spectrums and continuums instead of categories and limited choices.

Webs instead of ladders.

Narratives instead of checkboxes.

Diversity instead of homogeneity.

Messy mixed-up flawed beautiful humanity instead of a neat, tidy, predictable, controlled, dogma-ed one.

Both-And. Spectrums. Expansive. Creative.

With plenty of room for all of us.

I am so grateful for my son, my other kids and young people, all the early adopters, the marginalized, the artists, prophets, creatives, the brave LGBTQ community, activists, BIPOC leaders, progressive multi-faith leaders, mystics, and the wild and beautiful host of humans across so many circumstances, geographies, and realities that know that building a wide world far beyond binaries will lead us to new life and that there’s no going back but only moving forward.

Yet, like all things human, we always need to be careful we don’t dismantle old binaries and create new ones because we’re so used to them!

I see it in my own spirit that prefers clarity and categories. I also see this sometimes in progressive activist circles who become militant about what’s acceptable or what’s not or people who leave traditional faith systems only to hook into something else that’s just as rigid and binary.

Dismantling binaries means we’re going to have to expand how we think about ourselves, others, systems, faith, and the world beyond good or bad, better or worse, above or underneath.

We will need to get in touch with what we are afraid of and why we are so insecure about change.

We will need to find ways to come together around shared values and not shared beliefs (one of the best shifts we made at The Refuge 10 years ago).

We will need to make our contributions to change that we might not see the full fruit of in our lifetimes.

And, thankfully, we’re going to have to let our youth lead us because they blew up binaries a long time ago.

I recognize this barely scratches the surface on a complex reality, but one thing I feel more convinced of than ever—we’re way beyond dreaming of a non-binary world.

It’s time to make one, together.

With you from Colorado,

Next up: Metabolizing Grief (revisited)

A few practices for Dismantling Binaries:

• Notice how binary we are with ourselves, first. Consider expectations about what’s good or bad, less or more, above or underneath in our own thinking and in relationship with others.

• Find or develop love for the concept of everything existing on a spectrum or continuum.

• Honor pronouns freely and keep getting better at noticing ways we use exclusive language unintentionally (ugh, I do it way more than I want to).

• Practice pausing before providing responses or decisions and leave room for considering “so what else might be possible?” We’re so used to giving quick answers that likely come from prior constructs and miss the wide range of creative options.

• Intentionally engage with Native American writers’ work and traditions which have always been naturally non-binary and beautiful and bring incredible wisdom to our world.

What are some things that are helping you dismantle binaries in your thinking, living, and leading?