Owning Our Agency
New Ways for a New World - #1
Years ago a pastor I worked with shared a small but profound idea that shifted something deep inside my soul. He challenged us to be careful of trying to justify things we were doing or not doing by saying “this is what God wants” as a false cover and instead be more honest and just say, “This is what I want.” Period. Full stop. It’s not ungodly to want something (even though some of us were taught that in church and families). It’s not selfish to be clear on what we want to do or not do. It’s not dangerous to listen to our souls, honor our core values, and make decisions that are in alignment with them.
It’s just hard to do when we’ve been trained to people-please, peace-keep, submit to unhealthy systems, and avoid experiencing disapproval or feeling uncomfortable for too long.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these wild times we’re living in–the rapid change, upending of systems, constant toxic media churn, artificial intelligence taking us into a whole new stratosphere, and many traditional faith systems no longer serving evolving spiritual needs. The old world we knew before the global pandemic in 2020 and America’s current and first foray into a true threat of authoritarianism is gone.
A new world is unfolding and this is the story we’re living in. It’s destabilizing and bumpy but it also offers possibility and expansion, too. I’m convinced we need tools and practices to not just survive but find ways to create thriving not only for ourselves but for the wider circles we live, lead, and move in, too.
We need some new ways for a new world, and the first one I want to start with in this 9 part series is the importance of owning our agency, our choice, our freedom, our wants, our desires, our boundaries. A loose definition of agency is “the ability to make decisions and act independently.”
It was so freeing for me to let God off the hook almost 20 years ago and transition out of a theological framework that centered on a God who controlled everything and a me who wasn’t supposed to want anything for myself outside of some weird false God box. It made sense in the Christian culture I was immersed in, but as I recognized how inauthentic it was and the pain and truth of real people’s lives I was traveling with and in the wider social systems, the chains that bound me to it were broken. A whole wild and expansive landscape emerged.
A world where I had to be more honest with myself about what I really wanted.
Where I could make my own choices and do my best to live with the fall out.
Where I could stop being part of groups I wasn’t aligned with in my soul but was afraid to leave (and then discovered no one really missed me, ha, and kind of sad, too).
Where I could own what I believed and valued without spending useless energy defending it.
Where I could let go of being “the one” who had to be the good one, the faithful one, the initiator, the one who kept everything together no matter the cost.
Where I could better own my agency and leave, stay, let go, hold on, say yes, say no, and honor what I believed or didn’t believe anymore.
Owning our “ability to make decisions and act independently” comes easier for some than others and there are true physical, social, economic, and practical realities that make it harder to do for some people or groups. Yet, regardless of our unique circumstances and constraints I do believe it’s possible for everyone to grow in this area if we want to. For a lot of us, owning our agency doesn’t come naturally. In fact, it often comes with guilt, doubt, and a critical voice that says it’s selfish to not go with the flow or say no to something that we used to say yes to, that it’s haughty or prideful to want something and take bold steps to make it happen.
Yet, if we don’t learn to, we will be swept up in this new world where cult leaders continue to thrive, blatant misogyny and racism are in full force, screens dominate, and we are constantly flooded with media telling us what we should do, believe, be like, want.
Our resistance is saying, No, we will not blindly follow.
We will not say yes to keep the peace.
We will not give up our soul to belong.
We will not align with sh*tty belief systems or groups that harm people.
We will not give ourselves over to grind culture that says more, big, better, is a sign of our worth.
We will not give our agency over to others who do not have our best interests at heart.
Even within our limitations,
We have choice.
We have freedom to decide who we want to be, how we want to be.
We can experiment, fail, make changes, and try again.
We can ask for support and support others in these brave steps forward, no matter how small or big.
We can practice new ways of moving in the world that we’re not familiar with yet.
And, yes, we can change our mind if we need to (a principle that came from my friend Ann many years ago that has been a life changer).
Owning our agency is brave and ever-evolving, no question. Like all soul practices, there will always be resistance within ourselves and from others. It won’t come free or without consequence.
But let’s keep practicing owning our agency because if we don’t, we’ll never make it in this new world that wants to own us instead.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts and reflections on this idea of owning our agency and practices that are helping you—reply to the email if you can.
With you from Colorado,
PS: I’ll always end each post with some simple practices, too. Next up: #2 Shedding Shame
Some simple practices for owning our agency:
Pause and make space to listen to our bodies, listen to our souls. Usually our bodies are telling us what we need to know but we just don’t listen. Or our souls are speaking but we keep pushing it down. Make space to listen and wrestle with what emerges.
Experiment with learning to let these four responses guide us when we’re making decisions: 1. Yes (freely) 1. No (without explanation or justification) 3. I’m not sure but let me think about it, and I’ll get back to you by ____, and 4. I changed my mind. What does it feel like in our bodies?
“Be comfortable being uncomfortable” - my son, Jared, had this as one of the sayings he used as an outdoor leader. It is a core practice of owning our agency because we and others are sure to be uncomfortable when we do!
Consider what groups, situations, or relationships you need to step out of, step into, put on pause in 2026 and what support you may or may not need to make that happen.
What’s helping you own your agency?
Every word here rings true for me! Thank you for posting all of this.
“Owning our agency is brave … will always be resistance within ourselves and from others…won’t come free or without consequence.” This seems to be a lesson I have to embrace over and over and over.